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Can’t October get any worse? First, I lost my job (the whole lab site is closed down) because of the stupid government shutdown. As much as I try to get another job, nobody hires me because I will be away for 3 months during winter break to come back home. But part time low-paid job can’t feed me enough. Stress combined with instant noodles in the past few weeks makes my face break out horribly so much that the clothing store’s manager didn’t want to hire me. Then my photobucket’s bandwidth reached its limit. All of my images posted on livejournal were gone. No, there is no way I can reupload/fix them all. Besides, I cancelled my internet and phone data services; I can’t keep up with fandom anymore. I need to survive first.

As you know, worse news came to my beloved KAT-TUN. Extremely horrible. I feel sick in the stomach, can’t think straight and hid my head in the blanket for a whole morning (just like the time, when it happened to Ya-Ya-yah and Jin). Koki is a great guy. I saw him, I met him in concert. Despite of his scary appearance, he is the one who keeps KAT-TUN in place. While Kame, Junno, Ueda and Nakamaru were playing/joking around in MC, Koki was the only one to keep everything in order and made MC corner run smoothly. I witnessed that. I will never forget his gentle smile. If you read reports about him or just follow him a bit, you will know Koki is an animal-lover, and cares for others. March 11th earthquake, he came out to help without any media reporters/camera-men tagging along, he secretly volunteered. He helped his brother with the bar, KOKI DOESN’T OWN IT. Kisumai, Snow Man, countless of juniors praised Koki because of his kindness. Tanaka Koki's 10,000 Character Interview made me cry hardest compared to other 10k I have read. KAT-TUN is never the same when Jin left. With Koki left, KAT-TUN is no longer the KAT-TUN that made me fall into this JE hell. The current 4-nin KAT-TUN is another group. Just another group consists of all people I love. I still love Kame, Junno, Ueda and Nakamaru, but with 4-nin KAT-TUN? Time will tell, their music will tell me if the new KAT-TUN can defeat the 6-nin one. If I quit now, I might avoid the waiting-for-a-Taiga-debut-forever pain.

Before I leave this whole JE fandom (no idea how long), I will let out all thoughts I have. Taiga might never debut. People said “Taipi debut, why worried Taiga? Just wait, he will debut”. NO, Taipi debut, Gocchi debut, the Kitayama debut… but do people know the difference between them and Taiga? Those guys are in GROUPS, STABLE GROUPS that HAVE PROPER NAME. They have the support from their own fans and group fans. A groupless junior Taiga’s only chance is volleyball group but he will be 19 soon, he’s not that young and fresh anymore. Even a popular junior like HaseJun couldn’t debut, do I dare to think this normal Taiga will have higher chance? From the beginning until the end, Taiga have never been in an official named group. Currently, Taiga is put with Shin, Juri and Yugo (B4) but with Koki issue, I’m afraid that worst will come. Will Juri’s activities be decreased? Will Juri face the same thing like Shintaro? Will B4 be put back as backdancers just like Taiga-tachi back when Yuta left. When Yuta left, Taiga disappeared completely from mags, became backdancers only on Shokura. I don’t think I can endure that scenario again. That was the worst time for Taiga fans. Even though B4 is not an official group, the whole group might face sth together. I’m sad if that ever happened to any junior, not just Taiga.

Yes, I’m selfish. I know I have to stick to KAT-TUN, and Taiga until the end if I’m a true fan. Other might take it lightly because there are tons of other juniors to follow, other debut groups to fangirl. KAT-TUN, Ya-Ya-yah and Taiga are special. They are not just another Johnnys guys. I won’t jump ship just because they are not popular, have many anti, not in the current hype. But in this state, I will think about myself first. Wish miracle will happen to Taiga.

Will I abandon Taiga community? I might. However, because the current masterposts are made by me, only I myself can update them. I will keep updating them until 2013 is over. 2014 starts and better mod can easily take over. If you email, send me message, I appreciate them but I can’t reply back. I need time to recover financially and mentally. Thanks many fandom friends (especially Kel, Motus and Irea). I hope this hard time will be over soon and I can come back as the crazy Oza like before.

I will end this post with my most precious KAT-TUN performance that nailed my heart.



( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 10th, 2013 03:52 am (UTC)
Hi Oza. Just want you to know that I have read this, at least I know now what is on your mind. I was really really worried. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough patch. I hope things get better very soon. Right now just do what you think is best, what is best for YOU. Take good care of yourself alright
Oct. 10th, 2013 04:09 am (UTC)
oh dear I am so sorry for all you're going through. I hope your life gets better soon... and I understand what you feel about Taiga. I'll keep hoping for a miracle too. Be strong ;__;
Oct. 10th, 2013 08:43 am (UTC)
Hi Oza. It really saddened me to read your post and learn that you are having such a rough time at present. All I can say is that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, so hang in there and hopefully everything will right itself in the long run. I really hope you don't leave the fandom as you will be sorely missed but as Kel said you have to do what is right for you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I hope your situation will change for the better soon.
Oct. 10th, 2013 09:40 am (UTC)
Hi Oza. I hope this hiatus or leave from the fandom gives you the time and space you need to sort things out and get back on track. It may all seem shitty on the surface at the moment but you've got to believe that this is only a moment and it will pass. We can only hope for the best for Koki and Taiga as well. Things may not turn out the way we want them to for our idols but I think their smart enough to know what to chase after in life to reach their own happiness. I don't know how much good these words will do you, but I hope you know that you're never alone.
Oct. 10th, 2013 04:41 pm (UTC)
I can't say or do much for you, but my heart is with you.
Oct. 13th, 2013 04:18 am (UTC)

I just want to say many fans will definitely missed your presence :(

However, I personally wish you to deal with your personal life first, like you said you need to survive first. Leave the fandom as long as you want, but please..please do come back when you are happy.

I am truly disappointed with fandom right after Ryutaro's case, but double disappointment when I heard about Koki's. Both of them will always close to my heart.

I pray for both of you and Taiga's well-being and miracle .
Oct. 25th, 2013 02:05 pm (UTC)
Hang in there! It may not seem like it now, but things will and do get better. Stay strong.
May. 20th, 2014 06:59 am (UTC)
Hey I know this is from awhile ago, but I had this page tabbed and I finally found it again (been going through my bookmarks and large-sized videos but man, there's a ton and lots that are dumps that take forever to get through).
Anyway I hope you're happy now and am back!!!
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )